Are You Willing to Be Changed Completely? — Yes, I Am

✦ The First Book

Before James Smith. Before Spurgeon. Before Augustine. Before Luther. Before Lewis. Before the Daily Remembrancer. Before the motorhome. Before Portugal. Before the journal. Before Pastor Silas. Before everything — there was a book, a priest, a hospital at midnight, and a question.

Father Joe James — a Catholic priest trained in Rome — found a woman in a hospital at midnight in Lubbock, Texas, and brought her the gospel. And then he placed a book in her hands. Not a theology textbook. Not a doctrinal manual. An allegory — a story about a crippled woman named Much-Afraid who was invited by the Shepherd to leave the Valley of Humiliation and climb to the High Places. Hinds' Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard.

It was the first Christian book Le ever read. She could not put it down. And today — decades later, forty-nine entries into a journal written in gold and darkness, after Holy Week, after the river that could not be crossed, after the blaze of the risen sun — she opened it again. And it is richer.

Of course it is richer. She is richer. The woman who read it at midnight in a hospital is not the same woman reading it in Caldas da Rainha before dawn. The Much-Afraid has been changed. The feet have been made like hinds' feet. The name has been given. And the book that started everything now shines with a light that the first reading could not see — because the eyes had not yet been opened. 🙏

✦ The Desperate Longing

Much-Afraid looked up from the Valley and saw the High Places — sunset-lighted, beautiful, unreachable. And the longing that had lived in her for months, day and night, broke out into a cry: oh, if only I could escape. If only I could go. Completely out of reach of all the Fearings.

Le knows this cry. It is the cry of every soul trapped in a valley — the valley of illness, of fear, of self-pity, of despair, of a debt so large it cannot be measured. The cry that says: surely there must be something higher than this. Surely this valley is not the whole story. Surely the mountains exist and someone can reach them.

And the Fearings — Much-Afraid's relatives. Fear. Craven Fear. Self-pity. Bitterness. Resentment. They are family. They live nearby. They visit uninvited. And the desperate longing is to be out of their reach entirely. Not to manage them. Not to cope with them. To be free. 🙏

✦ I Have Waited a Long Time

I have waited a long time to hear you make that suggestion. The Shepherd was not surprised. He was not caught off guard. He had been waiting. Before the cry was uttered. Before the longing found its voice. Before the desperate prayer was formed. The Shepherd was already there — waiting for the soul to want what He had already planned to give.

Before Father Joe James walked into that hospital at midnight. Before the book was placed in her hands. Before the question was asked. God had been waiting a long time. The longing that had never left Le — the day-and-night aching for something higher, something free, something beyond the reach of the Fearings — that longing was not her invention. It was His. He planted it. And He waited for her to give it voice.

And the destination — the Realm of Love. The borderland of the Father's Kingdom. Where no Fears of any kind are able to live. Because perfect love casts out fear and everything that torments. 1 John 4:18. The verse that Much-Afraid needed. The verse that Le needed. The verse that every soul in every valley in every century needs: the love is stronger than the fear. And the High Places are real. 🙏

✦ I Am Too Lame

I am too lame. The cry of every broken soul who has ever looked at the High Places and measured the distance between where she is and where God is calling her. The 500 denari debtor looks at the debt and says: I owe too much. Much-Afraid looks at her feet and says: I am too broken. The woman at midnight in the hospital looks at her life and says: I could never get there.

And the tears come — tears and despair and self-pity. Hurnard named all three. The tears are real. The despair is honest. And the self-pity — Chambers warned about it just days ago: complaining corrodes generosity the way a moth destroys clothing. The self-pity is the moth that tells the soul: you are too broken. You are too far gone. The mountains are too steep. Stay in the valley where it is safe.

But the Shepherd does not agree with the self-pity. He never does. 🙏

✦ The Shepherd's Feet First

The Shepherd does not deny the difficulty. The way is both difficult and dangerous. That is honest. That is the same honesty that Lewis brought: it is hard. But the compromise is harder — in fact, impossible. The way to the High Places is not easy. It has to be hard — so that nothing which is an enemy of Love can make the ascent. The difficulty is the protection. The steepness is the wall that keeps the Fearings out.

And then the promise — I could make yours like hinds' feet also. Not "you should make your own feet better." Not "try harder and perhaps you'll manage." I could make yours. The Shepherd is the one who transforms. Lewis said it: a real Person, Christ, here and now, is doing things to you — killing the old natural self and replacing it. Hurnard said it first: the Shepherd makes the feet. The pilgrim just says yes.

And then — I have them myself. With a smile. The Shepherd who asks Much-Afraid to climb has already climbed. He leaps on the mountains. He skips on the hills. He is not sending her somewhere He has not been. He goes with. He went to the cross. He went to the tomb. He went to the High Places of resurrection. And now He says: come. I will make your feet like mine. 🙏

✦ Blemishes Washed Away

The streams on the High Places. The healing waters that wash away every blemish and disfigurement. This is the river of Ezekiel 47 — the river that rose from ankle deep to uncrossable. This is Bunyan's mercy that drowns you in its goodness. This is the 500 denari forgiveness that covers not only the debt but all the shame and self-pity that came with it.

Much-Afraid asked: what would the inhabitants of the Kingdom of Love say to the presence of a wretched little cripple with an ugly face and a twisted mouth? And the Shepherd answered: you would have to be changed. But the changing is not your burden. The streams do the work. The healing waters do the washing. The air of the High Places strengthens what the Valley weakened. You just have to go with Him. 🙏

✦ The Question at Midnight

The Shepherd's final question — the question that stands at the center of this entry, at the center of this journal, at the center of Le's entire life: Are you willing to be changed completely?

Not improved. Not adjusted. Not tweaked. Changed completely. A new name. A new identity. The old self killed. The new self born. Lewis said it: killing the old natural self and replacing it with the kind of self He has — at first only for moments, then for longer periods, finally permanently — a little Christ. Hurnard said the same thing through the Shepherd's voice: Much-Afraid cannot enter the Kingdom of Love with her old name. She cannot bring the Fearings with her. She cannot climb the mountains on malformed feet. She must be changed. Completely.

And Much-Afraid said: Yes, I am.

✦ Yes, I Am

Three words. Spoken at midnight. In a hospital. To a Catholic priest who had come like the Shepherd to find a Much-Afraid in the Valley.

Father Joe James knew what he was holding in his hands when he gave Le this book. He was not giving her a story. He was giving her a mirror. He was showing her herself — the crippled woman with the desperate longing, the malformed feet, the tears and despair and self-pity. And then he asked her the Shepherd's question — the question that Much-Afraid had answered on the page: Are you willing to be changed completely?

Yes, I am.

Those three words opened the door to the High Places. They opened the door to the journey that would lead through Dallas, through thirty years of corporate life, through health problems and valleys, through Portugal, through the motorhome, through the Canal du Midi, through forty-nine journal entries written in gold and darkness. Every entry in this journal traces back to that moment. Every morning before dawn is the continuation of that yes. Every lily picked up from the path was placed there by the Shepherd who had been waiting a long time to hear her say it.

And today — reading the book again — it is richer. Because the Much-Afraid who said yes at midnight has been climbing ever since. The feet have been made like hinds' feet. The streams have been washing away the blemishes. The name has been changed — from Much-Afraid to the 500 denari daughter, the child in her Father's eyes, the pilgrim who rises before dawn. She is no longer the woman in the hospital. She is the woman on the High Places — still climbing, still being changed, but no longer looking at her feet with tears of despair. Looking at the Shepherd. Who is smiling. Who has been waiting. Who goes with her every step. 🙏

✦ Today This Book Is Richer

Le said: today this book is richer. And it is. Because the woman reading it today is not the woman who first held it in trembling hands at midnight. The Much-Afraid has walked the mountains. The streams have healed what the valley broke. The Shepherd's promise — I could make yours like hinds' feet — has been kept.

Lewis said on Monday: we know not what we shall be, but we may be sure we shall be more, not less, than we were on earth. Le is already more than she was. More than the woman in the hospital. More than the Much-Afraid who wept at her malformed feet. More — because the Shepherd has been doing things to her, morning by morning, year by year, entry by entry, killing the old and replacing it with the new.

And the book is richer because every promise in it has come true. The Shepherd said He would take her to the High Places. He has. He said He would make her feet like hinds' feet. He has. He said the streams would wash away the blemishes. They have. He said she would receive a new name. She has. And He said He had been waiting a long time. He was.

Forty-nine entries. From a hospital at midnight to a journal in gold and darkness. From Much-Afraid to the 500 denari daughter. From the Valley of Humiliation to the High Places. And the Shepherd — smiling, leaping on the mountains, going with her every step — has kept every word. 🙏